A decade ago, our family friend had been diagnosed with stage four, breast cancer. Ever a vibrant, full of joy woman, she wore a big, beautiful smile one afternoon when she was told her pregnancy test was positive during a chemotherapy session. My heart shattered for her, as she fought tears on that hospital bed. It had been her dream for many years to become a mother. And, here she was, finding her dream had come to fruition in the worst circumstances.

Simultaneously in this season, I had received a letter from my university’s financial aid department that stated I had run out of financing during my last year of nursing school. This was my second bachelor’s degree, and I had depleted all federal and private undergraduate loan funding. This letter caused a violent shaking in what I had perceived was the Lord’s purpose for my life-to become a nurse.

Questions such as, “God, how could you lead me here and allow this to happen?” or “Why would you open these doors and then shut them closed?” ran through my mind.

Despite these fears, I knew I had a human responsibility to do my part in prayerfully finding a solution. I recall a specific conversation with my husband, where I discussed my need to apply for scholarships. However, I expressed hopelessness in this endeavor because I had never won anything in my life. “What were the chances of me winning?” I thought then. Ever so reluctantly, I applied to five scholarships. I would submit a prayer to the Lord before every virtual submission was placed, or every sealed envelope was mailed.

Some time had passed when I was given a lump sum of money for my education. I was in utter shock and beyond grateful to the Lord!

Yet, in this moment of excitement, I felt the dichotomy and tension of giving away the money in order to submit to the Lord’s leading; HIS instructions were calling me to step toward fearful, unknown waters. Specifically, I felt HIM asking me to surrender this gift, this scholarship, to my friend fighting breast cancer.

And can I tell you, this pressing was so heavy, I could not shake it off despite the real battle within with fear. Phrases such as “How are you going to make? Graduation is months away. Are you really listening from God?” or “Are you crazy?” would trouble my mind.

I felt the pressure of the testing. That type of pressure that has you asking yourself how much do you really trust the Lord?

Despite the turmoil within, I submitted to these convictions in agreement with my husband and donated the money to my friend. In a split second of action, I felt tears of joy role down my face; the truth that I could be used by the Lord to bless someone in need, despite being in need myself, consumed me. Quite frankly, it even relieved me.

I would come to find in that season I only had peace because of those steps of obedience in the Lord’s leading.

Months went by when I received a total of five, congratulatory letters in the mail stating I had won all five scholarships. I cannot express the utter disbelief I felt. The shock at the overabundance of blessing. The shock that I would graduate. The shock of how he quadrupled what I gave in obedience. More than that, the shock that God is who he says he is. And perhaps, not exactly how we would ask, but how he deems righteous.

Even though he does not owe us anything, the Lord’s love for us is never ending (Psalm 103:10-12)). He is famous for showing up in distinct timings and ways. In these moments, HE displays the grandeur of his power and might. He truly is our Jehovah JIREH, our provider (Genesis 22:14). But, please, do not get me wrong, even if he did not provide a way out, he still remains KING and SOVEREIGN.

Yet through this sovereignty, I would see HIS purpose over my life come to pass.

No amount of roadblocks and disruptive leadings would derail what he alone wrote for my life (Romans 8:28-30).

In hindsight, moments like these really refined my faith through fire. These moments led me to trust HIS purpose for my life. These seasons I developed an understanding and confidence in the security and safety extended to us, as believers, when we choose to trust HIM in the process (2 Timothy 2:13). Moreover, I saw how we had a free-will responsibility, if you will, in the paths we choose.

In that responsibility, there exists a complexity of codependency. One that encompasses our obligation in the play book that will unravel, and the other that displays the Lord’s sovereignty that leads to impartation of growth, sanctification, and pruning (2 Thessalonians 2:13).

This is the God we serve. So, dear reader, if you find yourself in a season of testing and waiting, know our God is worthy of trusting. Trust his plans for you. Trust what he purposes for you. Trust when you do not see a way. Because HE is the way!

Be blessed.