Years ago, I received a phone call during a party that felt like a parent’s worst nightmare. My world stopped as I answered the call I had anticipated for weeks. My listening tunneled and the noise around me faded hearing the clerk on the line state they regretted to inform me of negative news.

At this moment, everything stood still. My heart intensely palpitated and breathing became shallow. I could not emotionally collapse in front of strangers, so I gathered my belongings and told my husband we had to leave.

Every step I took toward the car paralyzed me, as my thoughts echoed life would never be the same. Fear gripped my spirit, causing my heart to accelerate faster.

“Why, God, has life been so hard since following you! What is this?!” I cried out in the car. Fear, trauma, and mistrust in God consumed me to a breaking point.

What I did not know then, and now do, was anxiety and fear were constantly at the door of my heart demanding to have me-a stark similarity found in Luke, chapter 22, verses 31-32. These symptoms masked as counterfeits to the hope and rest I could find in Jesus.

Led by this fear, I asked someone from church to keep the situation in prayer. In fact, I had made it a faithful habit to always seek the support and prayer of other Godly women.

Eventually, I ran into them and had an in-person conversation, but minimal weight, heart and compassion was given to my predicament. This truly stung…

Now, do you recall my previous post about “people hurt” not being a one-sided endeavor? Well, here is one clear instance.

In that sting, questions like, “Why did I even open up to this person?” or “Is this how the Christian walk looks like?” overwhelmed my heart.

I wondered where God was.

But He was right there!

Shortly, I experienced God’s palpable intervention via a phone call. During this call, I was informed results had been given to me incorrectly. After a back-and- forth to confirm they were utterly positive this was the case, I let out a large cry of gratitude to the Lord! I also repented because I harbored unforgiveness towards aforementioned individual and yet HE was here merciful!

I would love to say this story ended something like this: I then called said person, and everything was restored and healed. The end.

Truth is, it did not. My then self, who was deep-in-the-drenches-of-restoration, did not possess the courage to share my feelings. Even so, the Lord led me through spiritual growth and sanctification. He opened my eyes to my own shortcomings and areas of accountability.

You see despite going through an honestly devastating situation, no one was expected to be my keeper, as they say. Through this, I learned several things. One of those lessons was that I was solely responsible for my own walk with the Lord. Alongside this, I understood it was unjust to expect someone to read my mind and see the hurt inside. That was my responsibility.

I also learned ramifications of withholding an opportunity to make it right, meant the death of a promising friendship-further closing the door to the will of God, i.e. forgiveness and redemption.

Alongside this, it eliminated an opportunity to extend compassion to the trials others may be facing. As such, moments to build and fortify grace within me were missed.

The sad truth is that real pain, real hurt has the power to blind you to all these realities. It could also lead you to a hardened, guarded, or self-righteous heart.

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              ~As I land here~

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying as dismissal of the real hurt that occurred. The Lord does call us to live in fellowship and prayer with one another. Verses such as bearing with one another (Ephesians 4:2) and not forsaking assembly (Hebrews 10:25), come to mind. But we should not weaponize scripture to harbor accusations full of unforgiveness. This is what I deeply learned.

In respect to leadership, expectations should be and are to be held higher-but that’s for another blogpost. What I will say is that in leadership, I have often been reminded of this season and the importance of having grace and patience with both myself and the one I’m leading.

And finally… yes, support from sisters in Christ is such a beautiful gift and is supported by scripture!

But even if this is missing, they are not the end all be all.

JESUS is.

Truth be told, we should all be able to be in a desert, physically alone but spiritually filled by the LORD who lives. Similar to David in the wilderness, who in his cries of isolation always found sustainability through God alone.

My sight in that moment should have been on the one who can. Instead, it was placed on what others, who I perceived stronger in faith at the time, could do for me.

This misplaced hope, led to misplaced anger.

Freedom from all this was at the foot of the cross!

Please sit in this.

Because when we allow sin committed against us to bear unforgiveness, that sin will now become our own form of sin.

As such, our connection to him, our vine, becomes threatened-leaving us in the exact snare the enemy intended for us. A snare that allows the enemy to win battlefield points in division, animosity and hardness of heart. Kingdom work and focus is deteriorated and many are affected. Hearts are no longer guarded in his truth (Proverbs 4:23).

Don’t give the enemy a foothold (Ephesians 4:27).

Instead, hold on to who GOD says he is and wait on him (Psalm 46:10). He is faithful and true. He is the righteous judge (Acts 17:31), who knows the hearts of men (Proverbs 21:2). You need not carry a weight you were not intended to. That is the God we serve.

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If you find yourself in a similar season, dear visitor, I urge you to set your eyes alone on the LORD. We ALL have fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). What matters is what we do when we fall (Provers 24:16).

Will you get back up and showcase the same grace, mercy and forgiveness we so desperately need ourselves? Or hold to a false hope that further isolates and imbitters you?

I encourage you, as I encourage myself-Choose HIM.